Being Versus Doing – Theory

We become entrapped by our needs when we fail to understand that who we really are is separate to our actions, opinions and feelings.  Our ‘neediness’ relentlessly drives us into all sorts of pathetic behaviours designed to fulfil the gaping hole inside ourselves. And whilst we can be impressed with our ability to consciously understand that some of our behaviour is never going to fill the need anyway, that doesn’t mean that we have the personal power to change our actions. We are often ‘driven’ at a level far beyond our own comprehension.

Too often, we find ourselves sitting with a client, who has described their actions and then asked plaintively, “Why do I do such pitiful things? I’m feeble!”

The answer (and therefore the pathway toward the solution) lies in the following two diagrams.

The ideal would be to develop a sense of self worth from an EQUAL combination of the things we DO and the real person that we ARE.

The real value in this model is that when our sense of who we ARE eludes us, we can depend on our track record to feel stable and worthwhile and when our track record deserts us (we have a failure) our deep and abiding feelings of being good enough, just the way we ARE, allow us to remain calm.

Unfortunately, most of us are highly trained in the applications:

DO = 100%

Are = Rarely experienced

This model implies that we ARE what we DO and that judgements about ourselves based on our results (DO) are relevant. The consequence of this madness is that our feelings of self worth are now linked irrevocably to the vagaries of life and we are ‘hooked’ by the need for positive results. A failure means that we are no good, a stuff up is proof that we are not OK and a fractured relationship is proof that we are inadequate.

Even the opposite doesn’t work.  If we were actually able to produce great results all year (and be silly enough to think well of ourselves because of them) we’d be required to do more next year just to stay level.

Having to DO more to BE more, results in what we call the series of escalating goals. This becomes a life script.

Left to its own devices, the series of escalating goals leads to the  Approval by Achievement syndrome, a situation where we will only ‘like’ ourselves and others if we/they are doing well.

Whilst success is probably more fun than failure, we need to understand that we ARE enough.  Period.  Anyone who loves us will sooner or later arrive at this conclusion.  Our actions and results may positively or negatively affect them but if they truly love us, they will look beyond what has HAPPENED and see WHO we are amidst our victories and failures.  We need to do the same.

Whatever you do, all achievements – large or small – contribute to your sense of self-worth.  How you value these achievements is important.  If you tend to base your sense of personal value on success, don’t be surprised if you feel upset at the prospect of failure or anxious that you may be rejected.

If the balance between internal and external achievement strongly favours the external, you will be cut off from your feelings and may drift into a way of life that is busy and productive in the short term but not in your best interests in the long term.  If your achievements are balanced strongly in favour of ‘being’ rather than ‘doing’ then you may find yourself having to rely on others for financial support.

The achievements you have listed all played a part in shaping your identity.

Can you imagine how you could turn your life around by working on this?
Ready to start your new life today?